So the other day Surreal said something like, "It's required that you have a cock to understand some jokes." and I admit, I had been drinking a bit and something occurred to me...

Personally, I think it might be required that you have a "dick" to understand (or better yet, be amused) by some jokes.

Why?

Now, this is just my opinion and clearly it's all subjective, personal and all that stuff - but for me, the word "cock" is either positive or negative.

Positive: umm... yeah. like that

Negative: You're a "cocksucker" (as in the insult)

In other words, it's either directly related to (usually really awesome) sex or it's a flat out insult.

Like the "c" word... only in that respect it's strictly an insult and always negative. In fact, if it were used in a sexual situation it would turn me off instantly.

Now... dick... it's almost generic to me. In fact, I'm often found muttering, "frick a dick!" under my breath when I'm irritated. I've also been known (more frequently than not) to call my husband a "dick" or to say something was a "dick move." It's not a turn-on but it's not a turn-off in the bedroom.

Penis - strictly for sex ed. talks with the kids.

Wiener... I honestly rarely ever use it.

In Summation:

Certain humor requires a dick just for it's sheer level of stupidity or testosterone (oops, being redundant, my bad)... and there are few things sexier than a rock hard cock.

I don't think I have ever used so many references to a penis in a blog post - ever!

This week I want to grab my husband by his ears and yell in his face. "Seriously? Does everything in this household have to revolve around you and your dick? How about a little fucking sympathy for someone not feeling good. A headache, and a bad tooth are not all about your penis! A little honey-can-I-get-you-something is so much better than rolling your eyes and muttering guess-tonight-is-a-no" I'm sick of it.







She is worse than him. Every time I post to Twitter or FaceBook or Google Buzz, she's dissecting what I said to make it pertain to her.

I want to splash all over the 'web, "Dear Crotch of Doom, I do not give a damn that you are dating my ex husband! I left him first, you can have him! Enjoy him! I hope he pees on you!" Okay, that last bit is a little much, but it's totally true. I also hope they drive one another to drink and their livers give out in rapid and painful ways.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm going to do the Dance of Joy and toast their misfortune.



Gah. Why do I have to NAG constantly to get people to do a little cleaning? Why do they need a list in front of them every thanking day as a reminder? Vacuuming happens. LOADING YOUR DISHES INTO THE DISHWASHER happens.

DUST happens. Yesterday, I noticed that someone had drawn in the dust around the remote control. Nice. I know it’s dusty but why do you feel the need to point it out? Couldn’t you have swiped the whole tabletop with your paw after you were done doodling?

I like how everyone can watch movies on demand and television shows for hours on the Netflix account that I so lovingly pointed them towards and can’t find the gumption to run the vacuum or feather duster.

Husband is going to be gone this weekend and I have to work. But I plan on making getting the house “company clean” in my spare time and designing and laminating a permanent chore chart for everyone.

Okay, after reading this I feel like I should point one nice thing out - the boys came home from school yesterday and decorated the house for Christmas. Put up and decorated the tree and set up all of the little holiday themed things.

And Husband just called and invited me to lunch and was in a nice mood. Cool beans. Though a the black-hearted part of me thinks he's being nice so I don't do anything too fun while he's gone. Good grief, I was born a sneaky bitch.


I guess husbands (ex or current) are on the shit list this week, hmm, ladies? I'm right there with you. I'm tired of being the one to resolve the issues. I'm tired of being the first one to step up and try to smooth over a rough patch. I'm not doing it anymore. He acted like a complete dick last night pissed everyone off and this morning is acting like nothing happened. Yeah, he kissed me before he went to work - but that's hardly an "I'm sorry about last night." which would have been better than nothing at all.

It's secret confession week, and I've got a doozy.

Now, my ex-husband was big on getting his own way. If he could get away with it, he'd do it. If he could lie about it, he would. If he had a stray thought about butt-fucking his "true love" he told me about it. (I was not said true love) If he had an urge to fuck something and it held still long enough, he would.

Finally, I'd had just enough. Just enough of being talked down to, just enough insults, just enough abuse, that I stepped out.

I'm not proud of it, but I don't regret it one bit. Just one night, I wanted to feel like I was special. I wanted to feel loved, and like the person I was with was actually seeing ME and not the shadow of someone else.

I was on birth control, and, like a moron, neither of us worried about a condom, because we were, again, morons.

Though, if I'd had a condom, it might have looked like I was planning on doing that, and I hadn't been. In this case, "it just happened" was more than just a cliche.

But I didn't stop it, and if I had it to do over again, I still wouldn't stop. I'd do it all again, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

After it was done, we parted ways, and it was just a fond memory to me until I realized my period was late.

Clue the little voice going "I told you so", because that EPT flashed positive faster than Superman could leap a tall building.

I didn't tell the real father, I didn't even tell my now-ex-but-then-husband (here on out referred to as NEBTH because I'm lazy like that). The father was in no shape to handle the news of "you knocked up someone else's wife" and my ex-husband was out of town on business for the year, so I wasn't going to have to explain a baby bump away.

I started figuring out how to tell the NEBTH the truth, and how to get away without a huge fight that ended in my blood on walls and him arrested for a domestic.

I had seen him (NEBTH) and had sex with him a few weeks after I concieved, so I could have passed off the baby as his if I'd wanted, at least for the first year until the baby stopped being a 'baby' and turned into their own person.

(I like to think it says good things about me as a person that I did not realize that until a few years after the fact, mainly because I'd rather chew glass than tell that big of a lie. Soap opera diva I'm not.)

And, when I lost the baby, I'm not sure who I grieved for harder. Me, or the unknowing man who would have made a great dad if he'd known.

1. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Where were you?

I was 16, almost 17. I remember who - but honestly I can't remember anything else about it. Must not have been that good!

2. How often do you have sex a month: less than 5x, more than 5, more than 10?

10-15 is the average. After nearly 20 years of marriage, we still got it!

3. What are 3 things you always do if you know you are going to get lucky?

Lock the bedroom door (kids don't always knock! We found that out the hard way)

Time to let you see in my closet! Who I've done and how I've done it...

If you play along, be sure to link back!


1. How old were you when you lost your virginity? Where were you?

A few weeks shy of 15. In his bedroom while his parents were gone. I didn't know when it was over.

2. How often do you have sex a month: less than 5x, more than 5, more than 10?

Lately....less than 5. My libido has run away and the Sandman is in its place.

3. What are 3 things you always do if you know you are going to get lucky?

More intense personal grooming than normal. Smoothing everything up!

Go to bed earlier. If we wait and go to bed at our "regular" time, I'm going to be too tired.

This sounds weird but - feed the dogs earlier. This way they will hopefully be settled in bed when we get to business. I find it distracting to be doing things and hearing them licking their feet or dancing around the room.

4. Where were you the last time you had "spontaneous" sex - where it just happened with no planning and everything just clicked into place - and it was good?

A couple of months ago when I'd gotten up early before work to return something to the store. I realized that I didn't need to get to work so early so I went home for a quickie. He was driving out of the driveway when I pulled up and asked why I was there. I told him and he continued on to work. He came home about 10 minutes later saying he realized what a schmuck he would be to pass it up. Heh.

5. Where was the most "adventurous" sex you have ever had?

On the front sidewalk.

6. Ever had a 3 way?

Yes. I decided that coochies make me claustrophobic and it would be nice to have a spare man around.

7. What's the oddest/most non-sexual thing that you've thought about while having sex?

If we have milk for the next morning.

8. Have you ever had "pity sex"?

Yes. He was a diminutive man that I'd just met through a friend. I don't know how we ended up naked but once we did and he started telling me it was my job to "make it hard"....it went into the pity sex realm. He also straightened up all the cushions on the couch or bed as soon as I went to the bathroom. This was when I learned to NEVER let someone else drive me somewhere. It's always a good idea to have your own wheels to escape.

9.) How many people have you had sex with, simply because you wanted to have sex?

I'm not going to count any random encounters that happened just because I was bored or there and go with one. I was getting divorced and my friend/soon to be ex SIL kept telling me that I needed to get laid. She worked with a guy who she said would be perfect for it. They worked in a call center for an internet company and he and I started chatting online. He walked out of work and came to my house. She asked me the next day what did I do that would get men to just leave their jobs.

10.) Do you use sex as a tool/weapon to get what you want, or to get your point across?

Yes. If I know that I want to plan something (like going somewhere) that he won't be a big fan of - I've discovered that great sex the night before is not only fun but butters him up for my favor-asking the next day.

Time for some grown up sex! And by grown up I mean older than fifteen and off of MySpace... as for sex, that's where Tab A and Slot B meet right? Or is that how to put together IKEA furniture?

Moving on.

1.) How old were you when you lost for virginity? Where were you?

I was seventeen, and it was after a frat party at Edinboro. He was a football player, and I picked him because he had a small penis and I knew it wouldn't hurt so much.
It was over quickly, and I was left very puzzled why people wrote books about it, songs about it, and poems about it.

2.) How often do you have sex in a month: Less than 5, more than 5, less than 10?

When I was married, we had sex once every six weeks or so. Not kidding- that was partially my doing because he was that bad in bed, and he said that he just didn't like to have sex. Too much work I guess.
That aside (I.E. I'm pulling this math from my days of living the single life), when I average out the times I've had sex when given the chance vs. how often that chance came up, I'd say I like to have sex more than ten times a month.

3.) What are three things you always do if you know you're going to be getting lucky?

Common sense of personal cleanliness aside, I shave all the areas that need shaving (or trim the areas that need trimming), lotion up so I'm nice and soft, and I brush my teeth. Nothing ruins a mood like bad breath (side note: if you have pasta for dinner, both eat pasta, that way you can't smell the garlic)
I don't do anything with my hair, because if the sex is worth it, my hair is going to end up looking like a rat used it for nesting by the time everything is said and done.

4.) Where you when you last had "spontaneous" sex- where it just happened with no planning and everything clicked into place- and it was good?

It started as a dinner date between friends, and ended up with my undies in the kitchen and us on the living room floor.
Seems that spaghetti has special lust powers.

5.) Where was the most adventurous sex you've ever had?

I'm not sure I'd classify any of the places I've had sex as "adventurous". I've had sex in bedrooms, cars, office buildings, and my mothers house. I've even had sex in a cemetery. But all of those places were after hours (except the bedroom, and my mothers house was during business hours so she couldn't walk in) and therefore safe.
I guess I'll have to go with the most adventurous place I ever made out with someone.... which was a church. ("Good girls go to heaven, but the bad girls go everywhere!")

6.) Ever had a 3-way?

Yes. Three kinds of three-ways, male/male/female, female/female/male, and female/female/female. What can I say, I enjoyed my youth. And experimentation is completely normal in college, right?

7.) What is the oddest/most non-sexual thing you've thought about while having sex?

Grocery lists. If I'd cleaned the toilet for the week or not. Cleaning out the lint trap.

8.) Have you ever had "pity" sex?

Almost all the sex I had with my ex-husband was pity sex. Halfway through said pity sex, I'd start to pity myself.

9.) How many people have you had sex with, simply because you wanted to have sex?

More than one, but less than ten :-)

10.) Do you use sex as a tool/weapon to get what you want, or to get your point across?

No. I use silence as a weapon, but not sex. Mainly because not having sex (well, if it's good sex, bad sex I'd just as soon not waste my fake orgasms on) punishes me as well.
As for using it as a tool, sure. It's a great way to relieve stress, headaches, and to clean out your pores with all that good sweat.
It's primal, feels good, burns calories, and it's low in fat.

(Like Charlotte said, if you use this, just link back here saying where you got it :-D)