Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts

Stop Crying. It's a Splinter not an Amputation.

Category : , , , , , ,

Sorry for flaking the last couple of weeks. I've been a bit sidelined between the kids in school, home schooling my daughter, work, family, etc.

This morning I think I might have scared the hell out of my husband. A tough thing to do considering we've been together for 16 years. It really came out of the blue and without giving a really long story, I might have blown up a bit over something that appeared small.

My mother's nephew is married to the owner of the company my husband works for. The girls and I refer to her (cousin's wife) as P.T. as not only does daddy own the company, but she works along side my husband as well.

She had the nerve to complain about my mother to my husband. My mother is in very tight with my cousin's sister (in fact, it caused a huge falling out between brother and sister) as well as their mother and grandmother. So, when grandmother was in the hospital my mother showed up to offer support to my female cousin, her mother, and aunt. My male cousin and his wife P.T. showed up at the hospital and were apparently deeply offended by my mother's presence and so moved to the far end of the hallway so that, as P.T. put it, my cousin wouldn't "do anything" to my mother.

As much as I love knowing people see my mother for the conniving, manipulative twat she is... I also have a big problem with THEM being so offended by her mere existence. You see, my mother really hasn't done ANYTHING to them. Certainly not like she has to me or my family. I'm sorry, but causing a little tiff between you and your sister (which was brewing anyway since sis had a tiff going with daddy and you love kissing daddy's ass) is no where near say... harassing your daughter at school, harassing your son at school, hitting on your husband, or attempting to sweet-talk your husband into having you committed to a mental institution against your will. Serious shit, unbelievable, even to me, every time I read it or think about it. Regardless, if anyone has the right to have their knickers in a serious twist it's me, not my husband or his stupid twat faced wife, who, by the way, my mother would eat for lunch. That's not defending my mom, that's just telling you how stupid P.T. is to even begin to think she could handle my mother in any shape or form.

So, when my husband told me about this I might have loudly voiced "Fuck [cousin's name]" in a fairly quiet room. Then I had to explain to my husband how I wasn't defending my mother - just irate over the fact that no one in this family has stood up for us or cared, even remotely, what happened to us or what she did to us. But, cause a little tiff between a brother and sister and OMG, you'd think my mother was ripping the legs off of baby kittens. My cousin "might have done something" to my mother if he hadn't stayed at the other end of the hallway - kiss my ass. You have no right to be that angry. None. You don't have a CLUE what it is like to be betrayed or attacked or harassed. So, suck a big one you dim-witted, fuck wit.

So, um, I'm not dead.

Category : , , , , , , , , , , ,

Holy fuckballs, it's been a long time. I don't even remember what the fuck I bitched about on here last... was I still in the Wild Wild West, minus Will Smith? Was I already back East and bitching?

I'm noticing a bitch trend...

Mention of trend, I've come to realize one of my classmates (oh yes, at the ripe old age of almost 30, I am once again a student) is either on meth, or fucking narcoleptic. The bitch has fallen asleep in class, WHILE STANDING UP. I've only seen horses, and cows do that. She's neither equine or bovine, believe me, I've given her a very careful assessment from afar.

And the kicker? Bitch is PASSING WITH FLYING COLORS.

I began the actual hands on portion of my continuing education today, and while it was fun, there is also a slight problem.
No smoke breaks. At all. From seven a.m. until half past noon, no smoking.
I'm going to kill someone.

She Who Birthed Me had a few weeks where she seemed to be the unwanted offspring of Chernobyl and 3 Mile Island all rolled into one cranky little package. Told me I was not being smart, I was making stupid mistakes, I didn't need to be dating an awesome guy, and I should be doing nothing at all but going to school, working full time, and being lonely.
In other words: she was miserable and thought I should be to for her sake.

Oh! Yes! Dating! Oh, well, that is one thing I don't have to bitch about. See, after I got back East, it was like the male gender remembered I had a vagina. Yes, I was shocked too. Even more shocked when the guys who wanted to use aforementioned vagina took me out on actual dates. Like, where you have to sit down and eat with real silverware, not the plastic crap from Sonic.

I ran through... let's call it a 'few' guys once I got back in the dating pool, and while it was fun, I was not looking to get married or seriously date ever again. Did you know most men in this area are giant vaginas? And not the fun vagina either- they're like blue waffle vag that is slimy and gross and no one ever wants near it ever again.

Then I got hooked up with Brandon by a mutual long term friend of ours who proved just how well she knows us in the fact she demanded we start talking. And then sits smug when everything works out.
Now I'm halfway married, friends are picking out what features we need to pass onto future offspring, and how my middle and last initials would be the same. Oh, and when is a good time for a wedding. And suggestions on where.

The Past Regurgitating Itself

Category : , , , , , , ,

I haven't spoken to my mother in 4 1/2 years. She emailed me over a month ago. Emails from her go to a special place on my server so I don't have them popping up in my inbox unexpectedly. For the first time in almost 5 years, I emailed her back. 

I don't know where it will go, I haven't heard any response and on the surface, I really don't care. 

But, obviously I care somewhat or I wouldn't be writing about it here. 

I'm not attached to any outcome. I'm pretty certain of that. I've gone this long operating under the general premise that I will go the rest of my days without a mother regardless of whether or not she is still on the planet. 

Without a doubt, I know I have been through an intense grieving process and her recent letter is no revelation, no turning over a new leaf. In fact, it's very much the same version of an apology I've been getting since I was 14 years old. It's her safety net apology. The one that she can go back to and pretend that all the fuck ups she has made since then don't exist. 

For the first time in years I had this sudden urge to write back. I honestly wanted to respond and set her straight. I told her what she should be taking responsibility for and what she should be apologizing for and I made it clear that her email was not a new revelation - that it was the same thing I had heard every few years for over 20 years. Most likely, her response will infuriate me because it will be the usual defense something like: well, obviously you're still angry. I was trying to validate your feelings and I am reaching out but it's clear that you aren't going to be rational and you still want to hurt me.

It's easier to deflect than to stare the truth in the face. I'm prepping myself here because no matter how old you get - to have your parent respond like that is a disappointment. That's the crux, I'm anticipating disappointment and I'll be ashamed of myself when I am, inevitably, disappointed again.

It never matters which parent makes a move toward me - both of them want to control the situation in some fashion. They want to fashion the conversation on their terms. Disagreeing with them is an open invitation to all out war. If they lower themselves to offer an apology (although, the words apologize and/or I'm sorry have never slipped past my dad's lips) it is usually for something you really couldn't care less about and typically decades old. My mother likes to apologize for their divorce. For wrecking my childhood by destroying our family - her words, NOT mine. Something I really don't care about at all. My dad likes to semi-apologize for my mother being [insert whatever derogatory word/phrase here] and for her causing the divorce because in his world nothing is ever his fault. Not the lies he told, not the jobs he quit, not the child support he refused to pay, not the house he lost because he refused to get a job and definitely NOT the divorce. 

The truth is, it takes two to tango, no one was caught off-guard when they split up, least of all their children. Years of nonstop screaming, calling each other names and rarely ever smiling - the divorce was  a no-brainer and a fucking welcome relief to me. It was their fault, together, they created the mess and they created an even bigger mess after. There wasn't just one guilty party. 

She feels guilty for it. He agrees she should. His ego is probably the most fragile I have ever encountered. In fact, it is the same ego that has caused him to twist my own son against me now for whatever offense he has decided I've committed.

Sick, damaged, twisted people. 

And, here I am over analyzing it and trying to figure out how it makes me feel so I can avoid making the same mistakes and move on with my life.