The second Christmas that my exhusband and I were together was the first time that my father met him when he stayed a few days with us.

Ex spent every spare moment drunk with his cousin.

The tree was up, there were presents for him under it but not a single thing for me. We’d put our stockings up at the same time the tree went up and the plan was to fill them for each other up til Christmas morning and then look into them. His stocking was nice and bulky and mine didn’t have a damn thing in it.

My father was kind of curious as to why there still wasn’t anything for me under the tree when December 23rd rolled around. Ex comes home with something wrapped up that looks like a giant can. He is drunk and tells us that he bought a can of beans while he was out. His cousin keeps telling him that he should get me something else but Ex says that I love him so much that I’d like anything, even a can of beans, for Christmas.

The mood is kind of strained around the house for the next day and a half. The only thing for me from Ex was that package.

I start to open it and get it about halfway open when I see that it REALLY does look like a can of food. My father asks Ex if he needs to take a few minutes to get me something else or did he really want me to finish opening the present. Drunken Ex says I should go on and open it.

It wasn’t beans. It was perfume that came in a container that looked like a can and drunken Ex thought he had played the best joke EVER.

It was a shitty present because the week leading up to it was horrid.

I still wear that kind of perfume occasionally. Current Husband likes it but I don’t think I’ve ever told him the story of how I was introduced to the perfume.

Worst Christmas gifts ever are the topic this week. I'd love to say "my sister" but that's mean and she was born in September so it doesn't quite work. ;)

I should preface this by saying that if you get someone Christmas ornaments or Christmas decorations FOR Christmas - it's a bad gift. I'm sorry... I'm a Christmas enthusiast and to unwrap even the most gorgeous or adorable Christmas decoration ON CHRISTMAS is like winning a free box of fireworks July 15th. I don't want to have to wait a whole year to use anything!

As well-intention as my stepmother is and as thoughtful and wonderful as she can be... she's really bad about giving Christmas decorations on Christmas. It's okay, I have a system now, those gifts get put behind the tree so that when I take down all the Christmas decorations they get put into the boxes with the rest.

Except for a couple of years ago when I received bizarre looking santa coats with santa heads on the top and snowmen bodies with heads attached as well. It took a bit for me to figure out that they were dining room chair covers and the following Christmas I got a red table cloth trimmed in white faux fur complete with Santa's black belt printed down the middle. *sigh*

My husband recently asked, "I wonder if she ever wonders why we don't use those?"

We're covered. We have one of those huge, chunky, heavy wood dining tables with the farmhouse style benches on either side since we have an "eat in" kitchen that is open to the living room it made sense to go less formal for our dining arrangement. In short, we have no dining room chairs to adorn with such festive chair covers.

The table cloth doesn't come close to fitting on the table. Another save.

Barely.