I'm in the unusual position of being the one in the family to hold the shit together.  Normally, I can let my crazy shine, but DH is dealing with some heavy stuff right now and I know the last thing he needs it any extra to deal with from me.

DH is usually the calm person around here.  And what he's having to work through right now is seriously fucking with his personality.  I know what he's dealing with but there is not a thing I can do to help and I hate that.

Last night was pretty horrible here and today I'm wondering if he's really as okay as he says he is now or what.  I know and he knows that it's just going to take time for him to feel like his old self again but this is really fucking hard.

It's Thursday but I'll backdate this so you never even notice that I'm out of turn, okay?

I have the urge lately to do completely away with my online existence.  Blog.  Facebook.  Twitter.  I figure you bitches that I love, I still have your phone numbers.  I'd just need to work on my texting skills.  I kind of want to pull the blanket over my head and not peep out.

And the eating?  Good God.  I'm pretty sure I'm eating my emotions and I can't even really put my finger on what's bothering me.

The clean laundry pile is threatening to take over the living room and right now I'm trying to keep the baby from eating an electrical cord.

I just discovered today that Blogger has a phone app!  So, look forward to posts from me in the future that are painstakingly pecked out with my index finger while I pump milk while my emotions are going crazy. 

Dear Little Fool Wanting Attention,

Maybe if you wore more clothes you wouldn't have to complain about being cold during every meeting.  I'm tired of seeing your tits and normally I like looking at nice ones.  And maybe you could quit asking stupid questions too.  Once?  Okay.  The same questions every time you open your mouth?  No.  I'm starting to think you suffer from some sort of memory loss.  Maybe your lipgloss has eaten your brain.



Old Dude with the Scruffy Goatee,

We all notice how the young girls get your attention.  It's not a big secret.  The new goatee looks like my Grandma's bush and she's been dead for years.  Shave that shit off and start acting your own age.



You Who Will Remain Nameless,

You say you miss your kid but celebrate the fact that you have a house big enough to "hide" your boyfriend from her?  How about focus on your kid for once in her life.  Your window of opportunity with her is growing smaller.



Sweet Husband,

For crying out loud, quit doing me a favor by washing the baby's diapers.  I DON'T MIND WASHING THEM!  What I do mind is coming home after work to a sink of dirty bottles, the day's diaper bag not unpacked, the kitchen a mess, clean laundry that's piled up that you could have folded while watching television while I was getting the baby to sleep, and you wondering why I'm so fucking grouchy when I've finally had a chance to sit down 4 hours after I've walked through the door.  But, thanks for keeping the baby alive.  I'm not being sarcastic with that last sentence.

OldestBoy(17) is getting geared up for his Senior year and looking at colleges. We seem to be having an issue with this. He wants to go away to a college hours away and we want him to stay here and go to a local college for his first two years and then transfer to the bigger college. Totally a cost-saving measure. The first two years are just getting the basics out of the way so he can do that here at half the price it would be there. His reason for not wanting to do this? "That's like being a Freshman twice!" My reply flew out of my mouth before I could stop it, "Who gives a shit if you're a Freshman twice?" OB really doesn't like cursing and this effectively ground the conversation to a screeching halt. Which was probably for the best because I was getting ready to drop a verbal atom bomb on every one.

If money weren't an issue?  I'd really like him to go away to college just because my niece is coming to live with us for a couple of years starting next year's school term and it would be easier to put her in his empty bedroom than build a make-shift room for her.

 I've told Husband that college is his thing to deal with. I'm not going to let myself get pissed off about things that I don't really have a say in anyway.

 Stupid ass Senior photos? A flyer came home weeks ago and I've been telling OB and Husband that they need to pay attention to this shit if they want it done. I'm tired of being the one to remind everyone when there are deadlines for things. But who got to call after the deadline for making appointments and grovel one out for OB? Yeah. And when I asked him if his mother had looked at the photo packages to see if she wanted any he said no. So fuck it. I booked him for just getting his picture in the yearbook and later a friend of mine may take some photos of him to send out in his graduation announcements. I told Husband if he bought a picture to pass on to the exwife that I'd chop his pinkies off.   She can find time to carry her ass to the portrait studio and get her own damned photo.

Ok. So, I'm pregnant and it's freaking me out.

I look at my abdomen, poke it and think, "Holy shit! There is SOMEBODY in there!"

I'm walking down a flight of stairs and worry about falling down because that could knock my little human loose.

Husband uses some medication that pregnant women aren't even supposed to touch so I stay farther than an arm's length away from him after he uses it.

If I'm driving in the car and smell cigarette smoke from someone outside I take a big breath and hold it as long as I can, hoping that it will be gone by the time I need oxygen again.

If I roll over violently I worry that I'm disturbing my hitchhiker.

I take lukewarm showers instead of the boiling hot baths I love so I don't nuke the baby.

I'm normally a mean-ass, rather hateful person who tries to injure people with my thoughtbeams and I'm trying to tamp that back because I don't want my black thoughtbeams to freak out the baby. On the other hand, when I can't hold back mean thoughts, I tell myself that it's toughening the baby up. Maybe I should cover my belly in tinfoil to shield it from my thoughtbeams.

I'm going to go batshit crazy before giving birth.

Mother's Day here was nice. Husband had to go to work early for a bit that morning but brought home breakfast (hummus!) and a nice card. My stepsons texted me that morning without their Dad prompting them to do so. Yay for technology! It was a lazy day.

Now, as lazy as I can be, I like to know what the hell is going on. Like today.

Husband tells me that OldestStepson(16) is staying late after school so I don't need to pick him up early. OS texts me and asks me to get him because instead of staying late to exercise, he wants to come home and do homework. Okay. Good decision, kid. I go to pick up YoungestStepson(14) and am waiting and waiting and waiting for him to come out of school when OS calls and tells me that he's pretty sure YS has basketball practice today. A call to Husband confirms this and I go home.

This annoys me. I know I do a million things that annoy him but if I ask him to do something or know he's going somewhere for me then I'm sure to let him know exactly what's going on. I'd never hear the end of it if I let him sit somewhere for something and had told him the wrong time.

This morning he said, "You're going to the dinner tonight, right?". WHAT dinner?! The dinner at the school for OS's baseball team. I ask him if he's sure there's a dinner and he says yes because he had to buy tickets for it. Then why in the world didn't he tell me about it when he got the tickets? I need a couple of days advance warning to put my Soccer Mom face on good and tight before doing something like this. But, yes, I will go and smile and make small talk with everyone because Husband knows everyone and is on the Athletic Committee.

And the house is just such an overwhelming mess that I don't even know where to start. We're getting ready to do some remodeling and furniture is all over the damned place. I just want to go to bed and pull the blanket over my head.

Given the chance to go anywhere...

I’d end up in East Texas or Central Oklahoma. Very pretty areas. Nice and green in the spring and summer and real winters. The one thing I really miss about where I am now is winter. It just doesn’t seem right to never have snow.

I’d find a nice acreage and plop a house down right in the middle of it. A big white farmhouse with a wrap-around porch. And a huge cellar. If I’m going to hide from tornadoes I want to be comfortable doing it.

My family and friends would be scattered nearby. Not close enough to see into each others windows but close enough to borrow a cup of sugar or drop by for lunch.

The Husband would have a little bar. Or maybe even a bowling alley. (Things that he dwells on constantly.) I would homeschool any kidlets for at least their elementary years.

We’d have a vegetable garden (Vegetable garden? Ha! What other kind of garden is there?) and my Mama would help me can. We’d have goats. I’d use their milk to make soap.

We could go swimming in the summer and sledding in the winter. The kids would be able to roam around in the woods like I did as a kid.

Oh, how I loathe suburbia.

Husband had surgery 3 weeks ago and has been home ever since. He's not scheduled to go back to work for 2 more weeks. On one hand, I'm glad he's listening to his doctor and not going to work too early but on the other? I'm losing my mind with not having any alone time.

I can't blog too much because he wants to know what I'm doing. If I'm reading, he wants to know what I'm reading. If I go to the bathroom, he taps on the door to tell me he has something interesting for me to see when I get out. I think he's bored out of his mind.
And the house is a mess. I get it if he feels too crappy to move around but he can still tell the teenagers that live here to clean. I'm going to have to make another "bitch list" this weekend for the boys to read every day so they are reminded to clean up.




The hubs and I are going through a "dry spell" he's been working long hours out of town. He leaves well before dawn and is home really late. Lots of overtime, except he's on salary for a tiny, shit-ass company which means they can squeeze all the overtime they want out of him and not really compensate him in any way. And, because it's a smaller company they fit through a loophole that allows it.
That on top of a huge pay cut last year, reduced health benefits and having to work around jackasses constantly - is why he's now looking for another job.

My favorite penis word is “weenie”.

I know that this is not thrilling at all to the husband.

I like to wait until the lights are off and the room is quiet and say “Lemmeseeyourweenie!” all in one rush while barely moving my mouth and shifting my eyes sneakily from side to side. Sometimes I follow this up by honking his weenie. It’s a wonder that I ever get laid at all.

On the other end of the spectrum is “cock”. I have learned to only use that word when I’m okay with the sex act being finished because when he hears me say that he loses it. Heh.

Oh, the power of words!

Totally unrelated - I also love weenie tricks. I have a photo of one wearing a tiny sombrero.

The Husband had surgery a couple of weeks ago and has been home ever since. While I like that he's actually listening to his doctor and taking time off of work, it is really different to have him home every second of the day. Something that slides because of that is blogging here. He doesn't know about this blog. Everything I bitch about here, he hears in first person but I don't think he needs to read it too.

So I'm tapping this out quickly while he is gone to pick up one of the kids from a baseball game.

I'm working a different shift at work for a couple of weeks too. Normally I have off on Wednesday and work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. With the new shift (Ha! I accidentally typed "shit". Coincidence? I think not.) I'm in from noon to 9 p.m. Monday through Friday. I hate it. I do not like what I'm doing and I'm fairly certain that one of the chicks I'm working with doesn't like me. I've said "hello" or "good morning" to her and she looks at me blankly and walks around me. Um, okay...I've decided to see if I can finish out the next week and a half without saying another word to her.

And I have a fucking cold. I'm snotting all over the people I'm supposed to be training. Lovely. I'll be glad when this deviation from my regular routine at work is over and I can go back to what I know.

The scent of eggs being scrambled immediately takes me back to being in grade school.

When I was a kid, my dad would make me eat them for breakfast. No matter how much I cried or begged or gagged - I had to sit in front of that stinking plate of scrambled eggs. I remember sitting down to breakfast one Saturday morning and looking at the same dried eggs at 3 in the afternoon while my ass hurt from sitting at the kitchen table for so long. (now that I think about it, isn’t that a good way to give your kid food poisoning?)

My dad reminded me awhile back of how I had told him that I’d never eat eggs when I grew up. He was right.

Eggs still revolt me. I can sometimes eat one boiled and once in a blue moon I’ll have some scrambled. But the way they smell makes me gag. I can’t scramble eggs without making a horrible dry-heaving sound while cooking them.

Husband and I don't do much for Valentine's Day. We're pretty good about doing stuff together when the opportunity is there so I don't feel the need to go all crazy on that day.

I actually forgot what day it was while getting ready for work that morning. We exchanged our usual morning pleasantries (good morning. get out of my way. where's the toothpaste?) and when I got in my car, I saw that he'd put a Valentine's Day card in my front seat. That reminded me.

I tried to not roll my eyes too hard when a girl at work made a huge production of toting in all of the items her boyfriend had had delivered to the main desk at work. This is the same girl who said that she wasn't allowed to work overtime even though she really needs the money because her boyfriend didn't like her being away from him unless it was absolutely necessary because he loves her so much. That poor girl has a hard row to hoe.

On my lunch break, I got him a box of candy (Not the holiday themed stuff. You can get twice as much if you just get a plain box!) but then I ate some of it when I got hungry later. So I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some little pastries. Some were good. He said some tasted like modeling clay. And I gave him a cute little book.

I look forward to buying lots of candy on sale that is packaged in a heart-shaped box.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

Well, I don’t want a funeral. I’d like a nice quiet cremation with no sendoff. But, if I have to have a funeral....gee, this is hard.

I’m picking two.

The Cowboy Rides Away by George Strait followed quickly with The Lion Sleeps Tonight by The Tokens. Both are my favorite songs and I think The Lion Sleeps Tonight would help dry the torrent of tears that the first song would bring. Yes, I know The Cowboy Rides Away is about love being finished but I’ve found it a nice anthem during trying times.

I'm giving you a credit card with no limit. You can purchase anything you want, no matter what the cost. What do you buy?

I’d pay off our house and set my Mom and Sister up. I’d find some health insurance to bill to it and quit my job.

And a Dodge Challenger. Black on black. I need one.

If you could record a conversation any person, living or dead, who would it be? Why?

My Grandpa. He wasn’t much of a talker and I remember a conversation we had about when he was in WWII and some other things. I wish I could sit down with him and ask him more.

Show me your favorite piece of artwork. Who is it by? Why do you like it?

Van Gogh’s The Starry Night. I’ve always loved the abstractness of it and when I found out that it was painted from the memory of the view out of the window when he was in a mental institution - well, that made it even more interesting.

Generally, I don’t like buying reproductions of things but since I can’t own the original, we have a pretty big reproduction in our living room. When my niece was in the second grade she recreated it in her art class. That pleased me.

Hey! I’d like to buy the original with the credit card from question two!

What makes you cry?

Sad songs. Touching movies. Anything referencing missing someone. Lonely sounding elevator music can set me off. I listen to StoryCorps and I had to quit listening on my way to work because the stories generally make me cry. I can listen to someone’s 4 minute story and be a bawling mess 2 minutes in.

Do you like to shop?

Yes! But not for clothes. I’d rather pull a toenail out than do that. Books? Homemade soaps and bath stuff? Odd little things that strike my fancy? Yes, yes, yes. I like to do my shopping online.

Do you believe in an afterlife?

I don’t believe in the conventional Heaven and Hell. I think sometimes when we die, we feel like there’s unfinished business so our energy lingers around. Sometimes we just go out like a candle though.

Tell me about a time in your life when you were happy.

The first thing that comes to mind is a trip Husband and I took in the fall to visit my Mom. We surprised her and my sister’s family also came to Mom’s house. We sat up late drinking and being goofy. The next day my sister and I napped with her cat and my niece. It was nice and relaxed and it was just great to be with everyone.

My sister and I spent around the first 24 years of her life not getting along. We're good friends now and it's nice to hang out as equals instead of me wanting to smack her upside the head over doing (what I find to be) stupid shit.

II failed last week, because real life made it impossible for me to get time to sit down and answer Celeste's questions. So, this week, you're getting a twofer from me!

First up, Celeste:

What is your least favorite food? Did you dislike it for a reason other than taste?
Fat free cottage cheese. The taste reminded me of that thick flavor you get on the back of your throat when you're really sick and you've had snot dripping down your throat.

If you had to be an animal (but you get to keep your human mind), what would you be?
A dire wolf. Because they're ten pounds of badass in a five pound bag.

Which of your five senses would you give up if you had to?
Probably smell.
I read too much, I listen to music, and even when you're nose is stuffed up, you can still taste some things.
My job, both my current one and the one I'm in school for, require that I deal with some people who are not on a first-name basis with soap or personal hygiene.
And if you've ever smelled an infected wound, you know how disgusting it can be.

What is your favorite thing about yourself?
The fact I try not to meet a stranger. I have to overcome a few things in my town, namely the prejudice of bloodlines, and being a perky little pain in the ass helps.
Also, being friendly to everyone is a good way to let someone know when they're not welcome in your bubble of life. If I freeze you out, it's on purpose.
If we're going vanity, it's my eyes, my lips, and my boobs.

Aliens land on the planet and they don't seem friendly. What would you do with yourself and your family?
I'd start throwing virgins at the aliens (it's always virgins they're after) and then high tail it for the wilds, with a pit stop at a grocery and a gardening store on the way.

What's the dumbest thing you've done as a dare?
Gotta go with Charlotte and Celeste.... shots. Oh, in the name of a the bouncing baby Jesus, why did I do shots?

Have you had any nicknames as an adult or a child? What's the story behind them?
Crazy. No joke, that was my nickname, and I earned it in high school, after a rather bad break up with a local bad boy. I might gotten into a physical fight, but I truly don't remember.

What book, or series of books, did you read as a child that had the most affect on you?
The Grimm's brothers tales, and I'm pretty sure they're another reason I've got such a warped view of relationships.
The original Little Mermaid is enough to make any little girl swear off falling in love.

And now... Winnie! (I would have said "second" but she's second to no one)

What song do you want played at your funeral?
The pas de deux from Sleeping Beauty

I'm giving you a credit card with no limit. You can purchase anything you want, no matter the cost. What do you buy?
I would first pay off all my bills. And my mother's bills. Then I'd buy myself the Zeal phone. And a truck. And a house.

If you could record a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would it be? Why?
It's a toss up. MLK Jr. or Marilyn Monroe. Both of them are icons of their generation, and subsequent generations. He will forever be a martyr for the cause, she will forever be a whore. I want to see how they saw themselves, and get their opinions on the world now.

Show me your favorite piece of artwork. Who is it by? Why do you like it?
You didn't say that it had to be visual art, and I'm taking advantage of that loophole. One of my favorite poems is HOWL by Allen Ginsberg. I don't know why I love it like I do, I just do. I think that is what makes art, you feel a visceral connection to it that you cannot explain, you just know it's there.

What makes you cry?
All kinds of things make me cry. The quick flash of Camp Leatherneck during the Super Bowl had me tearing up in my drink. But I can drop thirty pounds on my foot and not bat an eye.

Do you like to shop?
Sometimes, I don't like shopping for clothes, but I adore bra shopping when I can find a place with my size. I like shopping for books, but not groceries. I can spend hours in pet boutiques, but don't like PetsMart.

Do you believe in an afterlife?
Yes. I've had too many experiences to not believe in something after this grand ride called life.

Tell me about a time in your life when you were happy.
I was visiting my best friend. We were piled on the couch with her kids, watching a cartoon movie. Nothing really going on, just relaxed. It was a time of true happiness for me.

What is your least favorite food? Do you dislike it for a reason other than the taste?

Fried eggs. I wouldn’t eat one for all the tea in China. It’s the consistency that gets me. I can’t say it’s the taste because I’ve never tasted one. Once in a blue moon - I can eat a thoroughly scrambled egg...the mood has to hit me. Boiled eggs are eaten occasionally. To me - eggs taste what farts smell like. Tabasco masks that.


If you had to be an animal (but you get to keep your human mind), what would you be?

A marmoset. Because they are so cute. I’d want to be a boy so I could sit around and masturbate to my own cuteness. Seriously. I'd sit around with a pocket mirror and preen. See? Ack! The cute!!

I want a marmoset.


Which one of your five senses would you give up if you had to?

I’d abandon smell. My sniffer doesn’t work too good anyway so it wouldn’t be missed too much.


What is your favorite thing about yourself?

My ears. I like to pet ears and mine are good for petting. I’d be really sad if I had scruffy ears that didn’t feel good.

And my fucked up sense of humor. It’s nice that I can sometimes crack myself up so hard that I cry. Nice or crazy? You can make the call.


Aliens land on the planet and they don’t seem friendly. What do you do with yourself and family?

If I can get us all safely to the middle o' nowhere Oklahoma (because what alien wants Oklahoma?) then we will go there. If it looks like there is no way we can leave Florida alive then I’ll shoot everyone (and myself) to spare ourselves from the horror that the aliens are inflicting.

I told Husband about Plan B and he asked me to please let him and the boys fend for themselves in this instance.


What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done as a dare?

I’m with Charlotte on this one - shots. You’d think I’d learn to quit that shit.


Have you had any nicknames as a child or adult? What’s the story behind them?

(insertfirstnamehere)Banana. Oh, how I hated it. No story. People are just amused that “banana” rhymes with my first name. People inevitably end up calling me that at some point now too. I’ve learned to hide the cringe.


What book or series of books that you read as a child had the most affect on you?

The “Wrinkle in Time” and “Little House on the Prairie” series’. I read those over and over again and always imagined myself as the characters. They’re the first books I remember getting lost in.

 You are about to see why I love Celeste so much. She happens to be one of the coolest people on the planet and if I could I'd totally vacation in her brain for two weeks every year. I dig the way she thinks, if I swung that way, I'd be madly in love with her and as it is I've got a major crush. Anyway, these are the interview questions she created for this week and I'm so excited about answering them that it's actually alleviating a particularly maddening bout of PMS.

What is your least favorite food?  Do you dislike it for a reason other than the taste?
 Beans and raw onions. Not together but omg, that would be bad. I'm not a fan of beans (other than maybe refried and I'll tolerate black beans) because of the texture and I hate having those bean skin things stuck to my teeth. Onions - it's a texture thing, I can't stand the crunch.

If you had to be an animal (but you get to keep your human mind), what would you be?
 A cat. I love how independent they are or at least act like they are, I love how slinky and sneaky and quiet they are.

Which one of your five senses would you give up if you had to?
 Five sense... sight, touch, taste, hearing, smelling... hmmm... wow, it's a toss up between taste and smell, honestly. I figure it would probably be maddening to be able to smell really great foods but not taste them, still if you couldn't taste you wouldn't' give a rat's ass about what you ate and voila` we'd all be skinny! Ultimately? Smell. I'd give up smell, I guess.

What is your favorite thing about yourself?
 Physically? My eyes and my lips. Umm... not so superficially? My sense of humor.

Aliens land on the planet and they don’t seem friendly.  What do you do with yourself and family? 
Pack up and get the hell out of dodge. Probably hide out in some remote mountain cabin.


What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done as a dare?
 Kept taking shots.

Have you had any nicknames as a child or adult?  What’s the story behind them?
 My dad used to call me TigerLily because I looked like an Indian (sorry, Native American) and that was the name of the Indian Princess in Peter Pan. My 7th Grade science teacher used to call me Razor Blade because of my maiden name. My maiden name also led to some of the worst pickup lines in history including, "So, are you really the best a man can get?" To which my reply was always, "You'll never find out."

What book or series of books that you read as a child had the most affect on you?
The Chronicles of Narnia. Yes, I hate the movies, all of them.