I haven't spoken to my mother in 4 1/2 years. She emailed me over a month ago. Emails from her go to a special place on my server so I don't have them popping up in my inbox unexpectedly. For the first time in almost 5 years, I emailed her back.
I don't know where it will go, I haven't heard any response and on the surface, I really don't care.
But, obviously I care somewhat or I wouldn't be writing about it here.
I'm not attached to any outcome. I'm pretty certain of that. I've gone this long operating under the general premise that I will go the rest of my days without a mother regardless of whether or not she is still on the planet.
Without a doubt, I know I have been through an intense grieving process and her recent letter is no revelation, no turning over a new leaf. In fact, it's very much the same version of an apology I've been getting since I was 14 years old. It's her safety net apology. The one that she can go back to and pretend that all the fuck ups she has made since then don't exist.
For the first time in years I had this sudden urge to write back. I honestly wanted to respond and set her straight. I told her what she should be taking responsibility for and what she should be apologizing for and I made it clear that her email was not a new revelation - that it was the same thing I had heard every few years for over 20 years. Most likely, her response will infuriate me because it will be the usual defense something like: well, obviously you're still angry. I was trying to validate your feelings and I am reaching out but it's clear that you aren't going to be rational and you still want to hurt me.
It's easier to deflect than to stare the truth in the face. I'm prepping myself here because no matter how old you get - to have your parent respond like that is a disappointment. That's the crux, I'm anticipating disappointment and I'll be ashamed of myself when I am, inevitably, disappointed again.
It never matters which parent makes a move toward me - both of them want to control the situation in some fashion. They want to fashion the conversation on their terms. Disagreeing with them is an open invitation to all out war. If they lower themselves to offer an apology (although, the words apologize and/or I'm sorry have never slipped past my dad's lips) it is usually for something you really couldn't care less about and typically decades old. My mother likes to apologize for their divorce. For wrecking my childhood by destroying our family - her words, NOT mine. Something I really don't care about at all. My dad likes to semi-apologize for my mother being [insert whatever derogatory word/phrase here] and for her causing the divorce because in his world nothing is ever his fault. Not the lies he told, not the jobs he quit, not the child support he refused to pay, not the house he lost because he refused to get a job and definitely NOT the divorce.
The truth is, it takes two to tango, no one was caught off-guard when they split up, least of all their children. Years of nonstop screaming, calling each other names and rarely ever smiling - the divorce was a no-brainer and a fucking welcome relief to me. It was their fault, together, they created the mess and they created an even bigger mess after. There wasn't just one guilty party.
She feels guilty for it. He agrees she should. His ego is probably the most fragile I have ever encountered. In fact, it is the same ego that has caused him to twist my own son against me now for whatever offense he has decided I've committed.
Sick, damaged, twisted people.
And, here I am over analyzing it and trying to figure out how it makes me feel so I can avoid making the same mistakes and move on with my life.
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