Wow - Confession week. What to confess... I could go with the mild, the moderate, or I could skip right to the shocking.

Husband and I have been married for over nine years now. For about the first seven of those years, his exwife was a Grade A Asshole to me on a constant basis. She's still one but has calmed way down since becoming a widow and remarrying.

All this time, I've held my tongue no matter what batshit crazy thing she's called screeching about. Part of the reason that I'm able to hold my tongue is that I did some pretty mean things to her anonymously during years 2 and 5. Things so mean that they warm the cockles of my heart even today.

Right after we married, she used to call Husband regularly to berate him for getting married and telling him that he better not have any more kids because it wouldn't be fair to the boys. These calls started right after we married and continued for 3 months until she announced she was married and pregnant.

This kind of pissed me off and I started thinking, "Hmmm...what can I do to ruin her day?" I am one who is quite comfortable with cold revenge. I planned the whole time she was incubating her little flesh loaf. She had the baby and I waited two months. I figured that two months after birthing she'd be sleep deprived, still feeling frumpy and insecure and have all of those nice postpartum hormones running through her body.

I may as well mention that I had a feeling that she might be feeling a bit vulnerable around this time because this was in the same time line that Husband cheated on her. (Perhaps she'd feel like maybe pregnancy with any man wasn't a good idea for her.) In his defense, he obtained oral gratification and found out later that she'd been having sex with other people in his house while he was busy working 3 or 4 jobs to support her spending habit. He also unknowingly sent her boyfriend on a ski trip. Sorry, off on a tangent there.

I bought a baseball cap (cos I needed to be incognito, yo.) and drove to a flower shop an hour away. I proceeded to pay cash for a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Almost $80 worth. I was actually a little jealous of the bouquet that was being put together. Then, I gave the flower shop the exwife's address and had the flowers sent to her husband with a note that said, "I've really missed you. - D"

I tried to time the delivery so it would happen when the boys weren't there. On Monday, when the boys came home, they saw a little bouquet of grocery store flowers on our table and remarked that their mother had flowers delivered but she didn't like them because they saw them in the trash when they came home from school. I had called the flower shop to see how the delivery went and they said that some woman had called screaming and wanting to know who sent the flowers but they told her they didn't give out customer information. Hee hee.

About year five of our marriage I was getting tired of the wacky phone calls from exwife and her trailertrash husband so I decided that it was time to do a little something to make myself feel better.

Every year when school starts, I write down her address and phone number because they change more often than her underwear. I figure it never hurts to have your enemy’s info. Then I started looking for cheap plane tickets. After finding a cheap plane ticket, I asked Husband very nicely if he would fly my friend over for a visit. I called Friend and asked her if she’d come for a visit and make a phone call for me.

After picking up Friend from the airport, we headed straight to a payphone where she proceeded to call exwife’s husband’s phone number acting as though she’d found the number in her husband’s wallet. She told exwife’s husband that he needed to keep his wife in line or else. Exwife’s husband started asking Friend where her husband worked. She told him that he worked at a gas station but she wasn’t telling him where because she would take care of kicking his ass herself and then she hung up the phone.

I really felt good several months later when during a conversation with the exwife at one of the boys’ baseball games - she mentioned that her husband had quit letting her buy her own gas and insisted on taking her vehicle in to fill it up.

It's secret confession week, and I've got a doozy.

Now, my ex-husband was big on getting his own way. If he could get away with it, he'd do it. If he could lie about it, he would. If he had a stray thought about butt-fucking his "true love" he told me about it. (I was not said true love) If he had an urge to fuck something and it held still long enough, he would.

Finally, I'd had just enough. Just enough of being talked down to, just enough insults, just enough abuse, that I stepped out.

I'm not proud of it, but I don't regret it one bit. Just one night, I wanted to feel like I was special. I wanted to feel loved, and like the person I was with was actually seeing ME and not the shadow of someone else.

I was on birth control, and, like a moron, neither of us worried about a condom, because we were, again, morons.

Though, if I'd had a condom, it might have looked like I was planning on doing that, and I hadn't been. In this case, "it just happened" was more than just a cliche.

But I didn't stop it, and if I had it to do over again, I still wouldn't stop. I'd do it all again, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

After it was done, we parted ways, and it was just a fond memory to me until I realized my period was late.

Clue the little voice going "I told you so", because that EPT flashed positive faster than Superman could leap a tall building.

I didn't tell the real father, I didn't even tell my now-ex-but-then-husband (here on out referred to as NEBTH because I'm lazy like that). The father was in no shape to handle the news of "you knocked up someone else's wife" and my ex-husband was out of town on business for the year, so I wasn't going to have to explain a baby bump away.

I started figuring out how to tell the NEBTH the truth, and how to get away without a huge fight that ended in my blood on walls and him arrested for a domestic.

I had seen him (NEBTH) and had sex with him a few weeks after I concieved, so I could have passed off the baby as his if I'd wanted, at least for the first year until the baby stopped being a 'baby' and turned into their own person.

(I like to think it says good things about me as a person that I did not realize that until a few years after the fact, mainly because I'd rather chew glass than tell that big of a lie. Soap opera diva I'm not.)

And, when I lost the baby, I'm not sure who I grieved for harder. Me, or the unknowing man who would have made a great dad if he'd known.

This week the Bitches of Blogwyck are going to confession. I'm not Catholic but I mostly agree that confession is good for the soul. To a certain extent anyway, at least when its done in relative anonymity with no actual consequences attached.

I'm not a meddler. Really. I grew up with a best friend whose mother was the queen of meddling. She meddled in her daughter's friendships in elementary school, the neighbor's business, other people's divorces that she had nothing to do with. If she could get herself mixed up into it and manipulate it, it was like a trip to Disneyland for her. She never did a favor for anyone if there wasn't a solid bonus in it for her or at the very least something she could hold over someone's head. Nothing and I mean nothing was ever done for purely altruistic motives. Ever.

Most of the time (read: 99.9%) I will go the opposite direction rather than come close to doing anything remotely like meddling.

Except for this one time. My son has friends constantly tripping in and out of the house. I never mind and for the most part genuinely enjoy them being around. Sometimes they use my computer and they usually ask. One of them used my computer regularly for school work because his lap top was down. But, isn't it just like the "quiet" one of the bunch to cause the most headache?

He had been playing around on some webcam site (not on my computer) and had met a girl. A girl who lived all the way across the country and depending on which story you heard - made her living at a local strip club. The boy in question was in college, taking classes to become a psychologist. She even flew out a few times to spend a week or so with him. She came over for a barbecue, she didn't look like a stripper. She seemed like a very simple, polite, quiet girl, very little make-up, thin (but not "I work a pole" toned by any stretch) and pretty but not extraordinarily so.

Okay, fine. Until, the girl started messaging me, my daughter, and my son's girlfriend. We got horror stories of the boy being controlling, cheating on her, threatening her and some of her friends. We thought she was ridiculous. She seemed paranoid, vacillating between him being the love of her life and a jerk who treated her like garbage. Then she would tell us to stop encouraging him to break up with her. We weren't. He barely spoke about the relationship to us.

We stopped communicating with her. She started communicating with my son's best friend and told him that no matter how many times she tried to break up with the guy that he told her they would always be in a relationship and she had no choice. We rolled our eyes, how ridiculous! She lived thousands of miles away, she had the advantage of distance if she wanted to break it off. Plus we knew she talked out of both sides of her mouth about him.

Then I started finding strange URLs in my browser history. Dating sites, urls clearly showing that someone had logged into HER fb account (when she lives across the country), then some website that was for sending money to people in jail. Meanwhile, he told us they were broken up and that he had even gone on a few dates with people who lived locally.

Finally one day I came in and when I opened up the browser it was logged into her Facebook account. I snooped around a bit and found out she was in jail. Further snooping showed she was still listed as being engaged to him. I couldn't figure out why he would be logged into her account if they were no longer together. So, I meddled. I switched her status to single and adjusted some of her privacy settings so I could see her wall and logged out. Later that evening he came over and got on my computer. A few minutes later I noticed him looking upset.

The next day I checked her wall and he had logged in and changed it back to her being engaged to him and had even posted on her status AS HER with big, dramatic declarations of eternal love for him! Then he even responded to some of her friends impersonating her as well. A few hours later her aunt came on and told people that it wasn't really her, that she had spoken to her and it was her boyfriend manipulating things. She went on to say how he was really mean to her and always made her cry.

So I installed keystroke recording software on my computer. The next night he came in and logged into her account, his own dating profile (messaging somewhere between 12 - 14 other women) and the convict connection site again. So he wants her status to appear as them being together - but, he's on a dating site trolling for women? Too bizarre for me.

The next day I logged in and this time I checked her msgs. A guy had sent her a message. He said, "I've missed hanging out with you, let's get together some time." And there was a reply. She didn't have access to the internet or her facebook where she was (which I had confirmed through public records) - so we can only assume who responded to the guy with: "Fuck u. I'm engaged. Fuck off."

Then I noticed there were other sent messages just as recent, these messages were threats to her friends. "I'll fuck u up."

So we contacted her aunt who had spoken to her. The aunt confirmed that she was afraid of this boy and wanted to break up with him but he wouldn't let her. That she had given the aunt her facebook account information so the aunt could log in but when the aunt tried to - the boyfriend had logged in ahead of time and changed the information so only he could log in.

Or so he thought.

I fixed that. All of it. I tied up any loose ends just in case he had access to her email as well. Then I deleted him off her FB, blocked him, and sent her aunt all the information. I also switched her privacy settings around so no one could see her stuff (sorry Celeste!) - I feel bad for judging her so harshly, even though clearly she's not innocent, right? I mean, she's in jail and she's a stripper. That screams, "I have issues." Also, I'm not holding out any sort of bizarre hope that I have rescued her or helped beyond giving her back control of her own FB account.

Also? I password protected my computer.

Since then he's acted increasingly strange. I don't think he suspects us as he still comes over wanting to use our computers. He uses my husband's where the monitor is in full view of everyone. Although, he's begun clearing out the computer history completely.

A couple of days ago he told my son that this girl is "begging" him to come back to her. He claims she's in rehab, again. My son's girlfriend popped up and said, "Oh, someone said they saw on her wall that she was in jail." and he looked stunned, eyes darting around, and then claimed that she was spending 15 days in jail to pay a fine and then had a mandatory month long rehab stint. Okey dokey. Only, she's listed as being in prison - not jail, and there is a difference and also? Where she is - there is a jail and a prison, two different locations, two different mailing addresses - her mailing address goes to the prison. That's not a 15 day for a fine stint.

The few times he's talked about her it's been to discredit her in some way. He'll tell us she's on heroin and he's trying to help her get off of it, he'll claim she's cheated on him but was under the influence of drugs at the time and didn't know what she was doing.

Most guys like their girls to look good to friends and family and I only know of a couple of reasons why a guy would purposely make a girl look that bad. Mainly - so no one will believe her when she complains about him and his behavior.

Whatever is going on in dysfunction junction isn't my problem. I've blocked the sites from my computers and I've done what I could do here. I'm washing my hands of it. Doesn't mean I'm proud of myself or think I've done something all that great, I'm a little disgusted I meddled, honestly.