Husband and I have been married for over nine years now. For about the first seven of those years, his exwife was a Grade A Asshole to me on a constant basis. She's still one but has calmed way down since becoming a widow and remarrying.

All this time, I've held my tongue no matter what batshit crazy thing she's called screeching about. Part of the reason that I'm able to hold my tongue is that I did some pretty mean things to her anonymously during years 2 and 5. Things so mean that they warm the cockles of my heart even today.

Right after we married, she used to call Husband regularly to berate him for getting married and telling him that he better not have any more kids because it wouldn't be fair to the boys. These calls started right after we married and continued for 3 months until she announced she was married and pregnant.

This kind of pissed me off and I started thinking, "Hmmm...what can I do to ruin her day?" I am one who is quite comfortable with cold revenge. I planned the whole time she was incubating her little flesh loaf. She had the baby and I waited two months. I figured that two months after birthing she'd be sleep deprived, still feeling frumpy and insecure and have all of those nice postpartum hormones running through her body.

I may as well mention that I had a feeling that she might be feeling a bit vulnerable around this time because this was in the same time line that Husband cheated on her. (Perhaps she'd feel like maybe pregnancy with any man wasn't a good idea for her.) In his defense, he obtained oral gratification and found out later that she'd been having sex with other people in his house while he was busy working 3 or 4 jobs to support her spending habit. He also unknowingly sent her boyfriend on a ski trip. Sorry, off on a tangent there.

I bought a baseball cap (cos I needed to be incognito, yo.) and drove to a flower shop an hour away. I proceeded to pay cash for a beautiful arrangement of flowers. Almost $80 worth. I was actually a little jealous of the bouquet that was being put together. Then, I gave the flower shop the exwife's address and had the flowers sent to her husband with a note that said, "I've really missed you. - D"

I tried to time the delivery so it would happen when the boys weren't there. On Monday, when the boys came home, they saw a little bouquet of grocery store flowers on our table and remarked that their mother had flowers delivered but she didn't like them because they saw them in the trash when they came home from school. I had called the flower shop to see how the delivery went and they said that some woman had called screaming and wanting to know who sent the flowers but they told her they didn't give out customer information. Hee hee.

About year five of our marriage I was getting tired of the wacky phone calls from exwife and her trailertrash husband so I decided that it was time to do a little something to make myself feel better.

Every year when school starts, I write down her address and phone number because they change more often than her underwear. I figure it never hurts to have your enemy’s info. Then I started looking for cheap plane tickets. After finding a cheap plane ticket, I asked Husband very nicely if he would fly my friend over for a visit. I called Friend and asked her if she’d come for a visit and make a phone call for me.

After picking up Friend from the airport, we headed straight to a payphone where she proceeded to call exwife’s husband’s phone number acting as though she’d found the number in her husband’s wallet. She told exwife’s husband that he needed to keep his wife in line or else. Exwife’s husband started asking Friend where her husband worked. She told him that he worked at a gas station but she wasn’t telling him where because she would take care of kicking his ass herself and then she hung up the phone.

I really felt good several months later when during a conversation with the exwife at one of the boys’ baseball games - she mentioned that her husband had quit letting her buy her own gas and insisted on taking her vehicle in to fill it up.