Viva la change! Or some shit.
I'm getting ready for a second big move in less than a year. I came out to BFE in hopes of finding myself. And I kind of did. I realized I'm a city girl to the bone, and while nature is awesome, I like my pizza delivered and my transpo of the public variety.
I am going to start nursing school. Well, I plan on it anyway.
And I'm probably going to be looking to make another move in the next few years after getting my LPN.
You see, I'm running home to Mama. And nursing school. Mainly Mama and family and friends who don't give a flying fuck about my parentage and that I'm weird and have a brain that has weird bursts of genius. They love me, get my jokes, and know that when I pet them, it's because I'm stresesd the fuck out.
But Mama isn't going to be staying when I get there (yes she is, but not after the new year, she's looking for her own pot at the end of the rainbow), which is fine. That woman has done more than enough for me over the years, I'm not going to hold her in place if she wants to go somewhere else that will make her happy.
That being said, I'm going to be hunting up a roommate of either gender to help with the bills, because I know I can't float a house on my own. Which fucking sucks when I'm a goddamn grown up and can't afford a house payment and bills.
After I get my LPN, I will need to find a new school to get my RN, because the college I'm going to does not have an RN program.
That brings me to the other change that might come to pass.
California. The land of silicone, earthquakes, hard bodies, and L.A. weirdos. I figure, I've managed to make it through the worst Montana can throw at me, why not try my hand at the land that is rumored to be the next great island resort. Maybe I'll get lucky and a hottie in LA will decide I'm the woman he can't live without and he'll keep in a lifestyle to which I could quickly become accustomed. (Let me have this bubble, I have so few)

That being said...


... I'm terrified of this shit. Fucking. Terrified.
I want to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head, plug my ear buds into my head, and just zone the fuck out. If I could, I'd bliss out on bud and good beer and figure out the secret of space travel. This the same fear kept me married to an emotionally stunted, cold, mean man who would just as soon slap me down as hold my back. And I'd rather be cold and dead than let another person hold my strings that way.

Right about the time you think you are ready to break free and take your life in a new direction just about any ugly thing in your past will crawl out from under a rock to fuck with you. In the last month alone I've had my long-lost MIL, long-lost ex-best friend, and one or two other assorted bits of nastiness leap into my path.

I'm trying to figure out what it all means in the big picture because I don't believe in coincidences. I think things come up to be dealt with - I just have no idea what or how to deal with them. Since the only consistent thing in life is change... I've elected at the very least not to fight it and at the very most hope to have a moment of enlightenment that explains what this mess really is and why its going the way it is.

All I wanted to do was shag ass. Get the hell out of dodge. Move to a place as rural as I can possibly afford and still be able to get my husband to his job. I still want that, it just looks a little more complicated than I originally thought. Right now there is nothing more I can do than to just throw my hands up at the universe and say, "Alright then. You do it. I'm stuck."

And that... is where I sit. Desiring change, welcoming it and yet... trapped in limbo.

I started daydreaming a couple of months ago. Where I would like to be, what I'd like to be doing that sort of thing. The truth is that I'm frustrated where I am right now. I feel like I'm in limbo, floating around waiting for something to change so I can act on it. That's where I sit. But, lately I've been accepting that and getting "right" with it as my spiritual guru might say. I've been sitting with and getting "right" with a lot of things lately that I never thought I would.

Nevertheless, here I sit and I'm not crazy about what I've got or where I am.

I started thinking about things that I had seen or read. "Under the Tuscan Sun" and yes, even "Gilmore Girls."

Then I started to look around online of course. What might I be capable of doing. I mean... really fantasizing and getting out there with it. I'd like an old farmhouse on several acres and I'd like to start farming organically. Additionally, I'd like to also have that farmhouse maybe even be a Bed and Breakfast of sorts. I'd also like to own my own bar with a kitchen. Notice, not a restaurant, a bar that serves decent food based on my whims. I'm fantasizing I can do that.

I found a gorgeous little parcel nestled into California's central coast, a blueberry farm on several acres with a quaint country house (less than 2,000 SqFt) and a barn. It was about 3 million. *sigh* But, if I could put down $300,000.00 the owner would carry the note.

;)

If I could chuck it all and start over that's the direction I'd be headed. Some little town like something out of Funny Farm or Baby Boom. An old house with lots of character and history, maybe even a ghost or two on a large parcel of land where you don't hear the neighbors but if you go into town at sit at the local watering hole long enough - you end up knowing everyone anyway.

My soul screams for this. I'm unhappy where I am. Deeply unhappy. I'm too close to relatives that even though I love them... I need space. I'm far too close to neighbors I can't stand.

Prices are dropping like flies around here and my husband and I have started poking around up in the mountain areas that are about 45 to an hour from the coast. We've found some perfect houses on large-ish lots for less than half of what we owe on the place I am now referring to as the "White Elephant."

I don't know what will come of it. I know I've got about a year, maybe two more here and then I'm really going to start actively going for it. Seriously. In two years my oldest daughter will be graduating high school. My son will either be at a local university here or, God forbid, he'll have moved down to southern California to attend a university with the girlfriend from hell. The littlest of the clan is homeschooled and I can go anywhere and still keep doing that.

So I'm going to... someday. Soon-ish.