Right about the time you think you are ready to break free and take your life in a new direction just about any ugly thing in your past will crawl out from under a rock to fuck with you. In the last month alone I've had my long-lost MIL, long-lost ex-best friend, and one or two other assorted bits of nastiness leap into my path.

I'm trying to figure out what it all means in the big picture because I don't believe in coincidences. I think things come up to be dealt with - I just have no idea what or how to deal with them. Since the only consistent thing in life is change... I've elected at the very least not to fight it and at the very most hope to have a moment of enlightenment that explains what this mess really is and why its going the way it is.

All I wanted to do was shag ass. Get the hell out of dodge. Move to a place as rural as I can possibly afford and still be able to get my husband to his job. I still want that, it just looks a little more complicated than I originally thought. Right now there is nothing more I can do than to just throw my hands up at the universe and say, "Alright then. You do it. I'm stuck."

And that... is where I sit. Desiring change, welcoming it and yet... trapped in limbo.

If I could live anywhere... I think I'd stay in the Northwest.

I love it here, the nature is breathtaking every day, and it is very nice to drive twenty minutes outside of town... and be so far away from everyone that I can't see lights. I can look up at night, and see hundreds of stars that aren't visible to me anywhere else.

The log cabin homes I love, look natural here, instead of like some wanna-be nature girl trying to pretend she's in the woods while living in downtown Philly.

I can hear coyotes singing on warm nights.

I saw a bald eagle and an osprey have an aerial fight over the river where my dog had their first swimming lesson.

Things like that are hard to beat.

I could not live here by myself.

I would need a big farm/ranch (which, despite what locals say, are not the same thing) with a few houses loosely clumped together for my family to live in. My mother, sisters, brothers, friends, all of them would need to be here.

I don't know how we'd work it out, with everyone needing to work, but we'd do it. Because this is a fantasy world and everyone would be happy and we'd live happily ever after.

In this fantasy world, I'm a writer. Who makes the NYTimes Top 50 with every book. I'd say top 10, but that is an unbelievable amount of stress, and I don't want stress in my fantasy world. I want happy, sunshine, unicorns and glitter in my fantasy world.

Also, in this world, Justin Bieber would not exist. That kid scares me.

I started daydreaming a couple of months ago. Where I would like to be, what I'd like to be doing that sort of thing. The truth is that I'm frustrated where I am right now. I feel like I'm in limbo, floating around waiting for something to change so I can act on it. That's where I sit. But, lately I've been accepting that and getting "right" with it as my spiritual guru might say. I've been sitting with and getting "right" with a lot of things lately that I never thought I would.

Nevertheless, here I sit and I'm not crazy about what I've got or where I am.

I started thinking about things that I had seen or read. "Under the Tuscan Sun" and yes, even "Gilmore Girls."

Then I started to look around online of course. What might I be capable of doing. I mean... really fantasizing and getting out there with it. I'd like an old farmhouse on several acres and I'd like to start farming organically. Additionally, I'd like to also have that farmhouse maybe even be a Bed and Breakfast of sorts. I'd also like to own my own bar with a kitchen. Notice, not a restaurant, a bar that serves decent food based on my whims. I'm fantasizing I can do that.

I found a gorgeous little parcel nestled into California's central coast, a blueberry farm on several acres with a quaint country house (less than 2,000 SqFt) and a barn. It was about 3 million. *sigh* But, if I could put down $300,000.00 the owner would carry the note.

;)

If I could chuck it all and start over that's the direction I'd be headed. Some little town like something out of Funny Farm or Baby Boom. An old house with lots of character and history, maybe even a ghost or two on a large parcel of land where you don't hear the neighbors but if you go into town at sit at the local watering hole long enough - you end up knowing everyone anyway.

My soul screams for this. I'm unhappy where I am. Deeply unhappy. I'm too close to relatives that even though I love them... I need space. I'm far too close to neighbors I can't stand.

Prices are dropping like flies around here and my husband and I have started poking around up in the mountain areas that are about 45 to an hour from the coast. We've found some perfect houses on large-ish lots for less than half of what we owe on the place I am now referring to as the "White Elephant."

I don't know what will come of it. I know I've got about a year, maybe two more here and then I'm really going to start actively going for it. Seriously. In two years my oldest daughter will be graduating high school. My son will either be at a local university here or, God forbid, he'll have moved down to southern California to attend a university with the girlfriend from hell. The littlest of the clan is homeschooled and I can go anywhere and still keep doing that.

So I'm going to... someday. Soon-ish.

For me 201o can be summed up in two words. THE MOVE.

I've never been one to make resolutions I usually scoff at them and roll my eyes. My New Year's traditions consist of kissing my husband at midnight (and I've only missed that twice; once while drunk and once because I had kicked him out of the bedroom and we were not speaking) and having a lovely glass of wine while welcoming the new year.

New Year's Day 2004 we welcomed our last child and I felt like it was a sign from the heavens encouraging me to celebrate that day, a new year, a new life cue violins and misty eyes. It has not escaped my attention that numerous things have become fashionable over the last several years; bah-humbugging at Christmas and refusing to acknowledge all the hope and optimism a new year represents out of what I have come to call this "Eat Pray Love" mentality society seems to be taking on. It's lovely to believe the power is in the moment and each new day represents the opportunity to change and live life anew. That doesn't mean we have to scoff and turn up our noses at old tradition or stylishly refuse to celebrate something because "it's just so commercial and we believe in showing love to our loved ones every day not on some commercialized day because the greeting card companies want us to."

Still I never once made a New Year's resolution or resolved to accomplish lofty goals...

But, that isn't exactly true either.

The older I get the more I recognize that each passing year is one more gone, one less to live and the ending of that year is a logical time to take stock of all that has been and all that wasn't. Optimistically, it's an opportunity to say, "how can I improve myself this year? How can I make this year better than the last?" And, so each year I sort of resolve to be happier, to live in the moment, and to find those moments of peace that money and external circumstances cannot provide.

Of course, many people swear they are going to drop the pounds this year and that really isn't part of my agenda even though I'm sharing this link from Skinny Thinking, I assure you it's not what it seems. Still, this year I have broken my vow to never make resolutions at New Year's with a few resolutions that I can't afford not to make.

1. I'm vowing to find happiness internally rather than externally. I won't succeed every day but I'm darn sure going to try.

2. I'm vowing to care for myself first and foremost. I'm going to eat better and exercise. - I want to clarify that I'm not vowing to lose weight. I'm vowing to care for myself. I'm going to put on my make up, do my hair, drink plenty of water and take at least 20 minutes every day to sit in quiet. I'm going to make myself a priority.

3. I'm vowing to face uncomfortable emotions, calmly, rationally, and politely. I'm not going to engage in the ugly "calling a spade a spade" sentiment that costumes itself as honesty, I'm going to give value to my feelings and my thoughts and I'm going to take the responsibility to express them calmly and rationally and not expect someone to simply "know" what I feel they should know because it's just so damned obvious.

4. I'm going to learn to knit. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's one of "those" resolutions right up there with weight loss and having all the Christmas shopping done by Halloween. But, I am going to LEARN something this year and hopefully gain a skill that will decrease my anxiety and lower my blood pressure.

That's it. I think once a month or so I'll make it a point to add to my post here how I'm progressing with my resolutions because I'd really like to keep them since I've gone to all the effort of actually making them this year.

So tell me, friends, readers, and fellow bitches... are you going to make any resolutions this year and how serious are you about committing to them and keeping them? Right now, I'd like to believe I'm very serious although, I know there will be days I won't succeed, I'm sort of resolving to keep getting back up on the horse no matter how many times I fall off. Something has to change and since I can't wave a magic wand, I guess that means I'm the one who is going to change.