Holy fuckballs, it's been a long time. I don't even remember what the fuck I bitched about on here last... was I still in the Wild Wild West, minus Will Smith? Was I already back East and bitching?

I'm noticing a bitch trend...

Mention of trend, I've come to realize one of my classmates (oh yes, at the ripe old age of almost 30, I am once again a student) is either on meth, or fucking narcoleptic. The bitch has fallen asleep in class, WHILE STANDING UP. I've only seen horses, and cows do that. She's neither equine or bovine, believe me, I've given her a very careful assessment from afar.

And the kicker? Bitch is PASSING WITH FLYING COLORS.

I began the actual hands on portion of my continuing education today, and while it was fun, there is also a slight problem.
No smoke breaks. At all. From seven a.m. until half past noon, no smoking.
I'm going to kill someone.

She Who Birthed Me had a few weeks where she seemed to be the unwanted offspring of Chernobyl and 3 Mile Island all rolled into one cranky little package. Told me I was not being smart, I was making stupid mistakes, I didn't need to be dating an awesome guy, and I should be doing nothing at all but going to school, working full time, and being lonely.
In other words: she was miserable and thought I should be to for her sake.

Oh! Yes! Dating! Oh, well, that is one thing I don't have to bitch about. See, after I got back East, it was like the male gender remembered I had a vagina. Yes, I was shocked too. Even more shocked when the guys who wanted to use aforementioned vagina took me out on actual dates. Like, where you have to sit down and eat with real silverware, not the plastic crap from Sonic.

I ran through... let's call it a 'few' guys once I got back in the dating pool, and while it was fun, I was not looking to get married or seriously date ever again. Did you know most men in this area are giant vaginas? And not the fun vagina either- they're like blue waffle vag that is slimy and gross and no one ever wants near it ever again.

Then I got hooked up with Brandon by a mutual long term friend of ours who proved just how well she knows us in the fact she demanded we start talking. And then sits smug when everything works out.
Now I'm halfway married, friends are picking out what features we need to pass onto future offspring, and how my middle and last initials would be the same. Oh, and when is a good time for a wedding. And suggestions on where.

So the other day Surreal said something like, "It's required that you have a cock to understand some jokes." and I admit, I had been drinking a bit and something occurred to me...

Personally, I think it might be required that you have a "dick" to understand (or better yet, be amused) by some jokes.

Why?

Now, this is just my opinion and clearly it's all subjective, personal and all that stuff - but for me, the word "cock" is either positive or negative.

Positive: umm... yeah. like that

Negative: You're a "cocksucker" (as in the insult)

In other words, it's either directly related to (usually really awesome) sex or it's a flat out insult.

Like the "c" word... only in that respect it's strictly an insult and always negative. In fact, if it were used in a sexual situation it would turn me off instantly.

Now... dick... it's almost generic to me. In fact, I'm often found muttering, "frick a dick!" under my breath when I'm irritated. I've also been known (more frequently than not) to call my husband a "dick" or to say something was a "dick move." It's not a turn-on but it's not a turn-off in the bedroom.

Penis - strictly for sex ed. talks with the kids.

Wiener... I honestly rarely ever use it.

In Summation:

Certain humor requires a dick just for it's sheer level of stupidity or testosterone (oops, being redundant, my bad)... and there are few things sexier than a rock hard cock.

I don't think I have ever used so many references to a penis in a blog post - ever!