I don’t usually make solid New Year resolutions. It’s easier to not make them than to make them then break them and feel like a failure in my mind.

This year I’m making two little resolutions...

Lose some weight.

And not the whole approximately 80 pounds I've gained over the course of our marriage. Just a consistent movement down on the scale would be good.

I’m tired all the time. The clothes I wear look like feedsacks. I want to get pregnant. If I do that now, I’ll be the size of a baby water buffalo by the time the kid is done incubating. And I know this isn’t good for my blood pressure. I lost a bit of weight the second quarter of the year on the Atkins diet and I’m going to hop back on that wagon next Monday. I actually enjoyed how good and “light” I felt when I was on it but the past few months have just said “to hell with it” and have been eating crap. Now, I feel accordingly.

Attempt to like my job more.

Or have a better attitude at work. Or something! Right now I’m in customer service and spend 10 hours a day with people yelling at me. Generally, rather dim and mean people. What’s worse than a genuinely stupid person? A genuinely stupid and mean person. There are other areas that I could work in that would still be customer service but would be different customers. Nicer customers. I’m qualified for these other jobs but have never applied because I fear change and I love my current schedule. I’ve decided the next time there are postings up in another department that I’m going to apply and try to keep my current schedule. I’m at the point where I’d work any shift as long as I could keep my days off (Wednesday and weekends).

And I’m giving myself total permission to abandon these ideas by the end of the January with no guilt.

Wow, another year is closing down, and it's time for resolutions.

I suck at resolutions.

I have the usual "wants" and "goals" for the year. Get healthy, slim down some (a lot), and be happier inside so that I can be happy on the outside.

I want to buy pants that aren't double digit sized. I want to be able to wear the cute dresses and tops that I love.

I won't piss up your back and call it rain by saying I want to get slim and healthy "because my body is a temple". Sure I want to be healthy for the sake of being healthy, but there is a heavy dose of vanity in there.

If given a worthy* chance, I treat my body like a cheap rodeo. Ride hard, scream to the stars, and go home happy. And perhaps laugh a bit. If you can't laugh at yourself when you've have a good time, then you were doing it wrong.

I want to 'declutter' the inside of my head, being zen and relaxed helps with overall stress, blood pressure, and even aids in digestion.

I guess you can say I want to have a better me in the coming year, whether that means I lose weight and fit into those size 4 jeans again, or if I stay the same and just get happier, either way, it works for me.

I won't be partying it up this New Years, I actually have to work both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, so those of you who get to go party like rock stars? Party some for me.

*I don't want you thinking I am going to treat just anyone as a prized stallion looking for a new rider; if I were to be less picky, I'd be a lot less stressed!

I've never been one to make resolutions I usually scoff at them and roll my eyes. My New Year's traditions consist of kissing my husband at midnight (and I've only missed that twice; once while drunk and once because I had kicked him out of the bedroom and we were not speaking) and having a lovely glass of wine while welcoming the new year.

New Year's Day 2004 we welcomed our last child and I felt like it was a sign from the heavens encouraging me to celebrate that day, a new year, a new life cue violins and misty eyes. It has not escaped my attention that numerous things have become fashionable over the last several years; bah-humbugging at Christmas and refusing to acknowledge all the hope and optimism a new year represents out of what I have come to call this "Eat Pray Love" mentality society seems to be taking on. It's lovely to believe the power is in the moment and each new day represents the opportunity to change and live life anew. That doesn't mean we have to scoff and turn up our noses at old tradition or stylishly refuse to celebrate something because "it's just so commercial and we believe in showing love to our loved ones every day not on some commercialized day because the greeting card companies want us to."

Still I never once made a New Year's resolution or resolved to accomplish lofty goals...

But, that isn't exactly true either.

The older I get the more I recognize that each passing year is one more gone, one less to live and the ending of that year is a logical time to take stock of all that has been and all that wasn't. Optimistically, it's an opportunity to say, "how can I improve myself this year? How can I make this year better than the last?" And, so each year I sort of resolve to be happier, to live in the moment, and to find those moments of peace that money and external circumstances cannot provide.

Of course, many people swear they are going to drop the pounds this year and that really isn't part of my agenda even though I'm sharing this link from Skinny Thinking, I assure you it's not what it seems. Still, this year I have broken my vow to never make resolutions at New Year's with a few resolutions that I can't afford not to make.

1. I'm vowing to find happiness internally rather than externally. I won't succeed every day but I'm darn sure going to try.

2. I'm vowing to care for myself first and foremost. I'm going to eat better and exercise. - I want to clarify that I'm not vowing to lose weight. I'm vowing to care for myself. I'm going to put on my make up, do my hair, drink plenty of water and take at least 20 minutes every day to sit in quiet. I'm going to make myself a priority.

3. I'm vowing to face uncomfortable emotions, calmly, rationally, and politely. I'm not going to engage in the ugly "calling a spade a spade" sentiment that costumes itself as honesty, I'm going to give value to my feelings and my thoughts and I'm going to take the responsibility to express them calmly and rationally and not expect someone to simply "know" what I feel they should know because it's just so damned obvious.

4. I'm going to learn to knit. I know that sounds ridiculous and it's one of "those" resolutions right up there with weight loss and having all the Christmas shopping done by Halloween. But, I am going to LEARN something this year and hopefully gain a skill that will decrease my anxiety and lower my blood pressure.

That's it. I think once a month or so I'll make it a point to add to my post here how I'm progressing with my resolutions because I'd really like to keep them since I've gone to all the effort of actually making them this year.

So tell me, friends, readers, and fellow bitches... are you going to make any resolutions this year and how serious are you about committing to them and keeping them? Right now, I'd like to believe I'm very serious although, I know there will be days I won't succeed, I'm sort of resolving to keep getting back up on the horse no matter how many times I fall off. Something has to change and since I can't wave a magic wand, I guess that means I'm the one who is going to change.