We took a brief hiatus and it can't really be blamed on any one person. I've been swamped with dramatic, ridiculous. and utterly useless bullshit, myself.
My son and his girlfriend. It's really unbelievable and I'm probably going to wind up like Norman's mother on Psycho... stuffed in a rocking chair seated in front of an upstairs window, that is. He's picked the wrong girl, wrong, wrong. At best she's dysfunctional at worst she's the epitome of "psycho girlfriend." She misrepresents conversations between family members to get them pissed at each other and it's more than just lying. It usually has a tiny piece of truth in it that makes it sound so plausible, so believable. I didn't realize how bad it was until his best friend walked in on her telling my son about something I had said. She made it sound angry, bitter and pissed off when the friend had been in on the conversation and knew I was joking and it was lighthearted and innocent!
She doesn't like my youngest daughter. She doesn't like anyone my son cares for. Each friend, sibling, and family member has taken their turn in the barrel with this girl carefully orchestrating conflict and resentment.
After months (and months) of remaining quiet, of not really being honest with him about the things we know she's done, we finally let fly with it. We had banned her from the house and I was tired of seeing this anger in him seething under the surface constantly. It was obviously time for some honest communication and I think it's at least started the ball rolling in the direction of a break up, but it's too soon to tell for sure.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where the girl smiles and takes the rejection but then you see her late looking twisted and disheveled over it? Another friend saw this girl (as she came storming into my house because my son had overslept and they take her car back and forth to school - where she has managed to make sure all their classes line up together - at COLLEGE) as she came in one morning and said he barely recognized her. He wasn't even sure it was her, that she looked "strange."
As we are slowly finding out, no one in the family really likes her. Friends don't like her. They don't like what she has done to him and I'd liken it to "Saving Silverman" except that crazy girlfriend was changing him in semi-productive ways (dress nicely, get a job, stop hanging out with your loser friends) - my son's girlfriend wants to cripple him emotionally, make him completely dependent on her and completely cut him off from friends and family.
Worse yet, my son is 19 and immature in more than one way. He can't figure out how to extract himself from the relationship and refuses to acknowledge that they are having trouble, to me or his father, at least. I've found out through other friends about dramatic arguments where he tries desperately to calm her down while she throws herself down in the middle of the road sobbing hysterically. His coping mechanisms have been less than stellar or healthy but, as most boys of that age, his ego is writing checks his maturity level isn't capable of cashing. He thinks he's in control of the relationship. He thinks she's so desperately attached to him that he can either fix her or at least control the damage and havoc she wreaks.
He obviously doesn't want to see her because he makes NO effort on the weekends to see her at all. He hangs around the house or does things with us... which I think is a little odd considering he's 19... he should be out with friends doing things. But, he rarely does. She's ran off almost all of his friends except one and that one he only sees when the friend comes here to visit him. This friend runs all over the place doing things, he's taking a semester off of college to create an extensive business plan to present to the university he attends as a remedy for student housing. Seriously. He's a guy with a lot going on and there sits my son... in a perpetual funk. Hanging around the house, working on homework or playing guitar.
I'm well aware that I can't fix this. That my son is going to have to figure this one out on his own. All I can do is minimize what goes on under my own roof. It's frustrating.
My son and his girlfriend. It's really unbelievable and I'm probably going to wind up like Norman's mother on Psycho... stuffed in a rocking chair seated in front of an upstairs window, that is. He's picked the wrong girl, wrong, wrong. At best she's dysfunctional at worst she's the epitome of "psycho girlfriend." She misrepresents conversations between family members to get them pissed at each other and it's more than just lying. It usually has a tiny piece of truth in it that makes it sound so plausible, so believable. I didn't realize how bad it was until his best friend walked in on her telling my son about something I had said. She made it sound angry, bitter and pissed off when the friend had been in on the conversation and knew I was joking and it was lighthearted and innocent!
She doesn't like my youngest daughter. She doesn't like anyone my son cares for. Each friend, sibling, and family member has taken their turn in the barrel with this girl carefully orchestrating conflict and resentment.
After months (and months) of remaining quiet, of not really being honest with him about the things we know she's done, we finally let fly with it. We had banned her from the house and I was tired of seeing this anger in him seething under the surface constantly. It was obviously time for some honest communication and I think it's at least started the ball rolling in the direction of a break up, but it's too soon to tell for sure.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where the girl smiles and takes the rejection but then you see her late looking twisted and disheveled over it? Another friend saw this girl (as she came storming into my house because my son had overslept and they take her car back and forth to school - where she has managed to make sure all their classes line up together - at COLLEGE) as she came in one morning and said he barely recognized her. He wasn't even sure it was her, that she looked "strange."
As we are slowly finding out, no one in the family really likes her. Friends don't like her. They don't like what she has done to him and I'd liken it to "Saving Silverman" except that crazy girlfriend was changing him in semi-productive ways (dress nicely, get a job, stop hanging out with your loser friends) - my son's girlfriend wants to cripple him emotionally, make him completely dependent on her and completely cut him off from friends and family.
Worse yet, my son is 19 and immature in more than one way. He can't figure out how to extract himself from the relationship and refuses to acknowledge that they are having trouble, to me or his father, at least. I've found out through other friends about dramatic arguments where he tries desperately to calm her down while she throws herself down in the middle of the road sobbing hysterically. His coping mechanisms have been less than stellar or healthy but, as most boys of that age, his ego is writing checks his maturity level isn't capable of cashing. He thinks he's in control of the relationship. He thinks she's so desperately attached to him that he can either fix her or at least control the damage and havoc she wreaks.
He obviously doesn't want to see her because he makes NO effort on the weekends to see her at all. He hangs around the house or does things with us... which I think is a little odd considering he's 19... he should be out with friends doing things. But, he rarely does. She's ran off almost all of his friends except one and that one he only sees when the friend comes here to visit him. This friend runs all over the place doing things, he's taking a semester off of college to create an extensive business plan to present to the university he attends as a remedy for student housing. Seriously. He's a guy with a lot going on and there sits my son... in a perpetual funk. Hanging around the house, working on homework or playing guitar.
I'm well aware that I can't fix this. That my son is going to have to figure this one out on his own. All I can do is minimize what goes on under my own roof. It's frustrating.
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3 comments:
I really think that is the hardest part of parenting. letting them make decisions on their own, even when you KNOW what would be best. ARGH, it drives me nuts sometimes. I have determined though that I have to let them do it, otherwise I will run them off.
I think you are doing the right thing about bringing it out in the open and talking about it all the while letting him make up his own mind.
I agree with Sandi. Letting them make their own decisions, even when we know that they are the wrong ones, is really hard (speaking from personal experience here, ya know). Just give him the love and support he needs from you, minimize the crapola that comes into your home and hope that he eventually sees the light and does the right thing. Hopefully you won't lose your mind beforehand...{{{hugs}}}
*hug*
If I was closer, I'd take care of the problem. You'd let me borrow a shovel, right?
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