I know it's natural to hate "change." I know things evolve, things change, the one constant in life is fucking change. I get that. I really do. I know that ideally I'm supposed to leap up with great enthusiasm and embrace change.

But, I don't. Especially when it comes to relationships. Whether it's my son who is nearing 20 at light speed... or the woman I used to affectionately call my best friend. She and I had known each other since third grade. THIRD GRADE. All those years... longevity... through thick and thin, my parents' divorce, her parents' divorce, my divorce, her 2 major break ups...

She was the Maid of Honor at my wedding. And, she has a horrible taste in men. I know she sees me as not wanting her to be happy. I can't help it if I think the man she is buying a house with and wants desperately to knock her up is a fucking loser. I've had my boobs groped by this guy on more than two occasions, he has groped my sister and three friends. He groped and nearly dry humped a 16 year old girl at a family barbecue at my HOME. But, I haven't spoken to my friend in almost two years because as she told me she was going to "stand by her man."

At the moment I have to admit to being in a really pissed place. I think about that friend and a few others, hell, even my own mother and I have to wonder what it was I did to deserve this bullshit. I look around at the things I used to love to do and really enjoyed doing and how at least two of the people previously mentioned have ruined them for me.

Oh, I know... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. I also know that I didn't feel that I consented as much as I was pushed into a corner and then ran right out of town. Then I think back to change and how much I hate it and I have to wonder, it might just be me, but it sure looks like every damn change that has occurred over the last 5 years for me has been nothing but worse leading to worse.

Another old friend from high school called me shortly after one of my children was diagnosed with cancer. I don't really recall her saying she would pray for him or was worried about him. This girl had known him since he was born, she also claims to be a devout Christian... but the conversation went, "Oh I heard about [the boy] and I was calling to tell you about my niece she is going to have heart surgery and we are all just so worried..." Two years later both kids (my son, her niece) are healthy. But, I keep thinking back to that phone call, the last time I talked to her and how I was only a few days dealing with the news that my child had cancer and she CALLED me but had zero compassion to offer. 

I think I have the meaning of the term, "fair weather friend" down to a science and present company excluded - I have zero "old friends" now... zero. But, maybe that just says more about me than I'm comfortable getting into. Still, it seems I've reached a place in my life where fragility is more than just the discussion of "life or death" that everything is so damned fragile. Friendships are fragile, capable of changing at a moment's notice, marriages, relationships hang by thin threads and one never really knows if or how they might snap. Sometimes I'm completely sure that life is nothing but an endurance test.